The things I'll miss about Kripalu..

My final day packing brought up wonderful thoughts about what I'll miss so I thought I'll pepper in a few last remarks from this adventure. I can't believe it's over? I can't believe it's the beginning? This last week has been explosive in the fabulous department and I captured it all in photos. However, the dorm Internet speed is a relative of the ‘slowskees’ so you will get what I had the patience to upload. Please engage in telepathy if you want to see more photos in my camera. When I land in FLA I will upload missing photos from my last week. It was so great because there was fabulous weather, people, goodbyes, outings, hugs and meditations. The volunteer office gave us an emotional sending off with a ritual around a fire down by the lake where we each received loving words from the remaining volunteers as we walked down a row of rose petals and live music. We were met with pictures of the group, hugs from the volunteer staff and mala beads. Oh so many tears from so many people!!! (sniff, sniff)

The entire week continued with such magic too, especially today. My last day consisted of the following: a 6am labyrinth walk to set intentions, collective breakfast with friends, long meditation, walk in the woods, conversation with Ganesh, last Journey Dance, a trip to the Berkshire bakery for chocolate bread, a playground stop, dancing with live drumming, the sauna and hugs from so many beautiful souls that I will dearly miss. Did I mention the people here are amazing? Lifetime friendships officially formed for sure.

And now for the list of what I’ll miss the most about Kripalu:
-The open, kooky, spiritual, energetic people
-Pancake Monday
-Wednesday and Saturday dessert nights
-Summer meals on benches
-Sunflowers growing on the side of the road
-White butterflies dancing by me
-The mountains
-The sound of fans
-Toni's scarves
-RP's hips shaking
-Shiva statues
-Panini press
-Feathers, Turkeys and Rabbits
-Skinny tall trees with arms that hug
-Gita book club
-Rock sculptures
-Hummus lettuce wraps
-The Ganesha meditation spot
-Evelyn's yoga class
-Saturday live drumming, dancing and sweating
-The meditation room, specifically, the spot in the upper left corner facing the window
-Peppermint tea at my disposal
-The collective OM

I set sail to drive out tomorrow. Please send me your loving vibrations and positive energy. I am bringing myself home. I can’t say that I’m hardly the same person though, how exciting?


Jai,

An Experience of a Lifetime...Becoming "I am"

Beings of light,

“The word "action" frees me - the transformation is something I cannot explain - too much analysis might destroy it” –Sophia Loren. I feel this way about trying to explain my Kripalu experience. It’s better for me to just shape-shift into action right now. The transformation will be seen in the dust and sparkle that lingers from the action like a comet on a dark night. I feel like a star and I am no longer embarrassed to say that. From this whole journey I’ve realized quite simply that “I am.” I am with nothing following the “I am.” Just the “I am” itself depicts the open space of my heart, soul and spirit leaving room for the creation of life to manifest in each and every moment. I feel open, alive, well, in tune, gracious, awake, energized, loved, connected and eternally supported. I feel completely and utterly in love with myself which has opened my eyes to be in love with the world in a whole new way. Moreover, with breath and attention, I see more in every word, glance, leaf, tree and smile. I feel my feet walking slower on earth and notice the grass beneath my toes; it’s alive with energy. This morning I sat outside for my morning meditation and closed my eyes facing the sun. There wasn’t a single cloud in the crystal blue sky and I found eternity and bliss in that moment. My eyes filled with gratitude and it spilled onto my cheek. I felt the wind blow my hair back and could hear the trees rustling. I could’ve stayed there forever, with fresh eyes, because being there forever meant I could also be there with myself; what a wonderful acknowledgement for me. There’s something so comforting about my own company and interaction with the divine in meditation that leaves me held and caressed by all that is greater. In that moment, I realized that I am an extension of all that is greater too, and so are you. "Love is how it feels to recognize our essential unity. Awakening to oneness is the experience of Big Love. Knowing you are one with all, you find yourself in love with all." —Timothy Freke. It seems I can see clearly now that life is often a façade we create drama in to side-step acknowledging ourselves and forming unity with others. Life is not to be found, or chased, sought after or discovered…I have found that life is to be present in this moment right here and right now; to be the “I am” means to be vacant of what’s next. No expectation creates endless opportunities and suddenly, all is possible, I am free.

I have been challenged, broken open and have seen and traced all the threads of myself that are tied to pain and insecurity. I have been forced to see the mirror of myself in my perceptions of the world including what I taint, judge, love and ignore. I love that I could be courageous enough to look behind old shelves with cobwebs and see what’s been hiding. “When tears come, I breathe deeply and rest. I know I am swimming in a hallowed stream where many have gone before. I am not alone…. My heart is at work, my soul is awake” --Mary Margaret Funk. Being my authentic self has meant seeing my authentic self. I love that I was able to feel so unstable at times because the breaking down of the old house meant that solid ground could be exposed for a mansion of dreams. I feel my heart space and my spiritual connection as open as the universe. I am wide-eyed. I no longer define myself as something. I simply see myself as “I am.”

It’s difficult to imagine I’m leaving in a week. One week from today I’ll be on the road. It causes me to think about what I have become. I have become a spiritualist, more powerful and demanding of the destiny that’s meant for me. I have become someone who sees my soul in the mirror and listens to what it says therefore I have also become someone who sees more intimately into the souls of others as well. Certainly, I have become more sensitive and intuitive. I have become more confident and assertive with my abilities and gifts. I have become stronger, healthier and more aligned. I have become conscious, mindful and disciplined. Surprisingly, I have become a supporter and cheerleader of my body. I support it through rest, nutritious foods, meditation, yoga, dance, community and spiritual union. I have become the fullest expression of myself. I have become what I have left room in me to create. There is light, unconditional compassion, forgiveness, acceptance and self-love. I am a result of the asking. “Ask, and it will be given to you; Seek, and you will find; Knock, and it will be opened to you” --Jesus.

In the quiet moments of meditation I have found deep solace and have met the witness in myself. I recognize the confines of my mind and the box that is around it. I have such faith, trust and loyalty in myself and in the divine guidance of my life that I no longer see the value of fighting anything. There is no longer the ego payoff sensation of overwork and accomplishment that I previously used to define my worth. There is no longer the desire to please and be perfect to overcompensate for that which I subconsciously saw as imperfect. There is no longer the push-back of emotion. There is no longer the caring or concern of skeptical words from others. For all of us speak out of projection and I no longer will welcome impressions born from another. There is no longer the victimization of myself for the external “bad luck” and “bad day.” There is no longer the guilt and shame for being whoever I want to be irrespective of what the norm is. There is no longer the labeling of people with judgment seen through a shadow prism of myself. I am whole so I see all as whole. There is no longer the self-minimization of my light. There is no longer the fear that this light is not powerful enough. There is no longer the doubt, the box, the limitation, the pain, the insecurity. There is no longer, there is no longer….“In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness” --Mahatma Gandhi.

I bring myself back to the “I am.” If this had an image it would be me, with wings, a cape, and bright divine light shooting out of my heart and head as I jump off a magnificent cliff, at unspeakable heights, over the ocean, at sunset, with eyes closed and perfect faith in flight.

I am.

Love, light, sun and endless awareness,
Jai Bhagwan!

p.s. Beautiful people who have supported my journey through this blog, I thank you. I honor the place within you in which the entire universe dwells. I honor the place in you which is of love, of truth, of light and of peace. When you are in that place in you, I am in that place in me. We are one. I send endless blessings and gratitude your way. I will be sure to send some photos and a brief blog about the trip home. This, however, is my last official blog in the Berkshires. Next stop, home…

Candice vs. Gluten

The rivalry begins...

I decided to continue my commitment with not eating gluten, two weeks and counting. I know how much people love reading about my Kripalu digestive endeavors just as much as my spiritual ones so here is a weekly recap of my fight. I feel like I’m losing the battle 5 rounds to 3 though. In one corner we have Candice, wearing the red scarf and yoga pants. She is unprepared for this fight but is putting on a tough face anyway. Her corner looks nervous about the match-up. In the other corner we have Gluten, wearing the “flour” flower trunks, confident, strong and undefeated thus far. Gluten knows he outweighs Candice and senses her fear.

The wondrous challenge of no gluten came upon my awareness as a test of will and discipline for the goal of improved health and increased prana, a/k/a life force energy. Patanjali’s Yoga Sutra II. 40-41 is translated into the following: “If you stay clean then you will never find yourself in crowds of the filthy. Truth, purity, sweet thoughts, single-pointedness and mastery of one’s senses are all qualities that make you suitable for seeing your true self” I seek increased self-exploration and birds-eye vision of myself and my vices. I also have been primed to be extremely sensitive to the needs of my body, thoughts and emotions. I’ve recently recognized symptoms, seemingly unrelated, that could be linked to the intake of gluten, i.e. joint pain, inflammation, drastic drops of energy and headaches. I have embarked on this exploration of restraint as an informal experiment hoping to both uncover the depth of my commitment and discover the truth about my digestion. It’s not as easy as I thought it was going to be. Can I last 12 rounds?

Round one: I went to my favorite, awesome “too-good-for-words” pizza place in this cute town Great Barrington and I ate the gluten-free crust for the first time. It was good but very thick and no match for it’s crispy, burnt in all the right places, thinner crust relative. It’s like a distant love that lingers, I am reminded of the past when that delectable thin gluten touched my lips…bummer!

Round two: Lunch at Kripalu often consists of toasted rice paper tortillas with butter alongside my usual kale, of course. The tortilla is like hot glue when it’s dry…shiny, plastic and rough…me no like.

Round three: I got a fever this week and was sent down hard to my bed by my body because of the detox it’s going through. I missed all fun and active things Saturday and slept 15 hours instead. Please allow me to complain here: what is this doing for me anyway? Is it worth missing yoga dance with live drumming? I want out and I want out now! Candice catches a right hook on the chin and is knocked down. She is dazed and confused.

Round four: I went to the MASS MOCA museum and decided to eat a nice lunch out for a change. I really had to wrestle my mind away from the avocado melt and instead went for a salad knowing I’d be safe from danger and temptation. In a moment of panic, I realized the salad came with fresh French bread. I quickly sabotaged said gluten by submerging it in a watery substance on the table as well as quickly covering it with a napkin just in case I fell weak. Very close call, but Candice is showing some signs of life in the fourth.

Round five: I had to pass by the tasty, decadent, gluten-loaded sweets at Guido’s, an all organic supermarket. Who came up with that name?? I did however, stop and stare at the cream surprise cake, mint cupcake and chocolate muffins, reading the ingredients carefully hoping there was something I could eat; no luck there. Oh the suffering!

Round six: I decide to purchase dinner off-site in lieu of a rainy day one stormy evening as I was driving back to “the Krip.” For many minutes I shuffled my feet around the supermarket frustrated, attention-seeking and sulking at the lack of options but left with the following: blue corn tortilla chips, garlic hummus, cauliflower and raw cashews. This was my dinner, very sad indeed… although dipping the cashews into the hummus wasn’t as bad of an idea as originally thought. More uplifting news on this day was I drove past a beautiful arrangement of sculpture angels. I stopped and gave thanks for them and thought this could only mean good news for me, my gluten challenges and world peace. I had the feeling that all of the above would be supported by them.

Round seven: The middle of the night I walk into the kitchen to get a cup of water and there it was: a plastic tub filled to the rim with vanilla cake left over from dinner with a sign on it reading “eat me.” My knees caved and I opened the lid and sniffed. That was all it took, I broke off a quarter of a slice and hate it slowly with my eyes closed. Gluten is winning folks, gluten is winning. Will Candice be able to recover from this?

Round eight: I managed to make it another whole day without Gluten, even after the recent relapse. It looks like this fight is going the distance. I went blueberry picking with my roommate and we had a blast. I not only was able to practice yoga poses amongst the blueberry bushes, but I was also able to eat said blueberries. No gluten in sight, joy! Only time will tell how this battle ends. At least for today, I am hanging in there and hoping for a knock-out in later rounds.

More information to be relayed as news breaks. My goal is to make it until the end of my stay here gluten-free. Speaking of which….I can’t believe I’m winding down this amazing journey already, two weeks and counting. I’m engrossed in what is left for the taking while secretly manifesting what I want to create back home. I like that I cannot yet give a summarized explanation of the profound impact of this experience in my life because I’ve decided, as of this moment, that I’m still in it. I’m thinking Swami Kripalu would approve of my mindfulness. I still have things to get out of here and I’m still taking all kinds of risks to improve my sense of self. At some point, I’ll be able to recap, but not today. Today is the story of gluten.

"This is the time. This is the place. This is the vastness. Right here is paradise. Always, always." --Byron Katie

Jai Jai,

p.s. big things coming up in future blogs including but not limited to: a summarizing of my experience, intentions for coming home, reports of my kale intake, details about the last program scheduled for this week on becoming a certified energy healer with angels, a conclusion to the gluten match and news on a super-exciting opportunity to teach the guests at Kripalu in one-time workshop I call "Salsa and a Spicy Life."

Shape-Shifting to Navigate the Real World

Beings of light,

Let’s resume, revisit and celebrate the lighter blog. The past few weeks have been heavy and saturated with my philosophies on spirituality and I’m feeling some needed buoyancy and humor. I have listed interesting insights gathered from “attempting” to reintegrate into the real world, a/k/a, NYC. Talk about going from one extreme to another... I also attended local events in the Berkshires and practiced shape-shifting into an 80’s diva at the volunteer 80’s party all in an attempt to prepare for integration. My life is not the same and I like that. I see through a different lens now, the zen lens. The world is a scary place. Do I fit in? Does it matter if I fit in?…I hope I can take my hippie-self back out there and navigate the system.

Questions for the universe...
-80’s party best dressed had my name all over it. I won the glitter putty prize but got a strain in my foot for dancing too long in metallic heels. Had my feet forgotten what heels feel like?
-I walk everywhere, including to a recent concert at Tanglewood. I also walked back happily without a flashlight at night with a friend although it was so dark I could only see her outline. Have I lost my fear of the dark?
-I’ve begun a gluten-free diet. Barring the Brooklyn pizza tour with the Greif's this weekend in NYC, I’m testing the waters by not eating anything with gluten including bread, pasta, cereal, muffins etc. My favorite meal at Kripalu is steamed veggies, brown rice, lentil Dahl, kale, olive oil and nutritional yeast all mixed together. Yum! Why is kale underrated by American families?
-In the train on the way to NYC I noticed that no one looks at anyone, but I looked at them anyway and smiled. Why don’t people acknowledge each other? Do they think they're wearing invisibility cloaks? Hello, I see you.
-At the Tanglewood contemporary music festival, I sat in yoga poses on the grass while listening to the music. I wonder if I could sit in yoga postures at staff meetings at Broward House or at the movie theater?
-Television (the little I saw over the weekend) really really scared me and I couldn't’t relate at all. What does that mean and what will I do with my television when I get home?
-In the big city, I bowed my head and gave a silent thank you for each meal. I noticed when I looked up everyone at the table was looking at me. Is offering gratitude not the norm?
-I meditated in the morning in my lovely in-laws apartment and realized that the drilling of concrete outside sent me deeper into meditation. Could drilling and something more peaceful like rain drops be on a similar frequency?
-At every corner and turn in New York I went, no trees existed. I miss them with a little ache in my little heart. If trees could talk what would they say to me?
-I caught myself at the local gas station telling the attendant “Namaste” and putting my hands in prayer to acknowledge her. I only realized that it was weird to do that because she had confusion written all over her face. Will the confusion reaction deter me in the future from spewing Sanskrit at the universe?
-Why are there so many squares and boxes? Think about it: cars, subways, rooms, beds, boxed lunches, shoe boxes, wallets, trays, etc. Is this a conspiracy to keep us limited? Why aren't more things shaped like a hexagon?

Troubling things about the real world:
-Excessive concrete, steel and make-up
-Diminished eye-contact, hellos and human connection
-Restricting or tight clothes or shoes
-Limited kale supply
-Abundance of egos
-The loud noise of a train door closing in between cars
-The speed in which taxi driver’s drive
-The people in line who cut me (well this one is very personal)
-People talking negatively about anyone or anything
-Broken-down buildings
-Broken-down consciousness

If you haven't noticed, I am weird because:
-I receive automatic electricity shots of insight of people’s lives as I look at them pass me by in the street
-I communicate with archangels
-I see many colors when I meditate
-I massage my own aura in the morning
-I still scrape my tongue in the morning
-I sing in Sanskrit
-I go to bed doing pranayama
-I feel for my own chakras and tell them the things they want to hear
-I practice being a shaman in journey dance
-I am open and emotionally honest
-I’m so in love with myself (that's actually true)

Ways a weird girl can navigate around feeling troubled by the real world…
-Create a Candice Space Suit bubble, or CSS, that protects me from the outside, harsh world
-Similarly create a "negativity sunscreen" or NS, SPF 100
-Wear an invisibility cloak
-Get a fancy Men in Black “memory eraser” for when I use too much Sanskrit or throw out too many Jai Bhagwans to unsuspecting unprepared persons needing to be reprogrammed
-Write a letter to Willy Wonka and petition to live in his factory and teach. You never know, yoga could be good for them
-Invent a “Tree in Your Pocket” or TIYP, which is a mini tree that can fit in my purse and give me joy and prana, anytime I want
-Just speak and write only in acronyms
-Bring my yoga mat with me everywhere
-Hire an interpreter
-Buy a t-shirt that reads: “I love kale, what’s it to you?”

Do you have any ideas of how I can navigate the real world when I return? I'd love your opinions on this...

Jai Bhagwan folks,
May your week be filled with sun and joy!

One Supersized Order of Personal Power Please…

Personal power is currently downloading in me with t-minus 3 weeks and counting. I have felt it all along but I feel like the status bar is almost at 100% completion of the new program being installed. Let me proclaim early on in the blog that I think I’m quite awesome and great. You may be gasping and wondering…Is it daring to speak with such enthusiastic language about oneself??? I used to think so until this past weekend. I learned what real power is in a fantastic program I took at Kripalu last weekend called “Answering the Modern Mystic’s Call” by Robert Ohotto. It was about co-creating your highest potential while taking into consideration your soul contract, karma and loyalties to shadows (i.e. the insecure, fearful, scary parts of oneself) all while going deeply within to see what really influences you and what holds you back. A juicy bit of insight I learned is that you are only as clear and honest as the work you’ve done on yourself. Work meaning actual inward-diving-into-yourself work, and not haven’t-dealt-with-because-it-hasn’t-come-up-yet “work.” Also, when we choose to judge ourselves or keep things hidden we block our soul from showing itself; we do not provide space for it to appear and provide wisdom. Another great slice of information was about how we manage our own shadows and shames. Essentially, how we handle them is a reflection of how we deal with other peoples’ shames and shadows; meaning the type of partners or groups we’re drawn to, areas/people we’re most forgiving versus most harsh with, and with whom we seek validation from, etc. This means that sometimes we fix ourselves in scenarios that seek to validate our current shadows so they can stay hidden. Has anyone seen my flashlight? I want to leave Kripalu with nothing in my basement thank you very much. I love this stuff; it has had my brain burning for at least the last five days. Most of the program participants were on the grass on a mountain during breaks from the program trying to soak it all in, including me. The depth and intensity of the information was life-shifting and profound for many, including me. I’ve been buzzing since the program ended and would like to share a translation of my exploration on the topics with you. The theme here is being awake. Thanks to my flashlight, I now really see myself clearly.

Organic Divine Power is…
-Knowing that true compassion and love for oneself is accepting any and all emotions as worthy to be known, seen, heard and respected
-Supersizing all potential in yourself. Anything less is a direct value judgment you make about yourself
-A birthright
-Seeing the parts of you that you don’t want to see
-Being vulnerable
-Seeing and embracing, not hiding from
-Claiming your insecurities because ignoring them engenders shame that they even exist. In the claiming, the acceptance and integration is found

No one should be allowed to…
-Tell you your intuition is wrong
-Guilt you into anything
-Shame you for being your unique self, whatever that is
-Depict what truth or valid is for you

True and Pure Service is…
-An emanation of your power for something you were meant to do
-Being a light bearer by holding the vibration of your own light in thought, spirit and action
-Trusting your own intuition
-Giving from your soul with complete detachment from ego and outcome
-About who you are and not what you do

I feel…
-Even more like flying
-Insightful and incredibly in tune with myself
-Empowered
-Supported
-Like I deserve a red cape
-My vibration rising with the sun
-No longer afraid to claim my place
-Like shining a light on the world now that I’m glowing
-Spiritual forces nudging me into greatness
-Powerful

This weekend I had the opportunity to deal with my perfectionism and how that shows up in life. Let me say with as much impact words can possibly convey… what profound and earth-shaking insight came from meditating with THAT all weekend long. Try sitting with a really difficult part of yourself on purpose without excusing it, dismissing it, rationalizing it, hiding it or distracting yourself from it. In the facing, I have come to settle with the idea that while I am bold, outgoing, insightful and full of energy, I dim that light on occasion for others so they can feel worthy. Although in doing this, what I am really proclaiming is that I am shameful for embodying those things, like somehow I shouldn’t be wearing my skin that sparkles. How silly right? I am worthy enough to risk being seen as arrogant so I’m going to push a whole pile of fear about that stuff over the cliff right now and be done with it. In the program, we were asked to list the top 10 things we value about ourselves and as I was doing the exercise I noticed how arrogant I felt. I thought then immediately, these things must be true if I’m judging myself for writing them. Since when did claiming yourself as ‘awesome’ become taboo in our culture? Again, how silly? At some point, unbeknownst to me, I signed myself up to that club. In the past, I would shy away from accolades and meekly receive glory instead of walking around claiming it as stardust comes out of my back. Do I sound arrogant yet? Seriously, imagine what love we’d have for ourselves and others if we really thought we all deserved it (you being the place to start). I think judgment would vanish from the planet. Did I mention how awesome I am? For all of you saying right now that you already love yourself fully just think about who you judge in the world and marinate on the voice of judgment that lives in you. All voices are clueing you into a piece of your own shadow. In an attempt to shove my insecurities into a place of light, I would like to share the list of 10 values I see in me with all of you. From last week’s blog, I continue to realize how exposure means that I am brave enough to claim fame to all that is truth within me.

Here it goes…
1. I am truly well-intended and full of integrity
2. I am creative
3. I’m honest and trustworthy
4. I have charisma and charm
5. I am assertive and bold with expression
6. I am fearless with emotional self-honesty
7. I have intuitive gifts
8. I am compassionate
9. I heal myself and others
10. I change the world

In loving arrogance,
“The Awesome One”

p.s. Marianne Williamson says… “We ask ourselves who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. …And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

p.p.s. photos of an unexpected but delightful pick-up from the Kripalu bus one night when I was walking back to the dorm in the blackness….the volunteers who are Journey Dance certified posing after we did a practice teach with the other volunteers…me in the meditation room at Kripalu doing a relaxing hip-opening version of a twist yoga posture…

About to fly...

Awakening to the spiritual gifts within myself have been slow but steady. While the omens continue, I drag my feet along the path hesitatingly and with caution. I know my soul is old and bearing hidden treasures but it tires waiting for me to jiggle the keys to find the right one that unlocks a door or set of doors. I’m beginning to locate the matching keys at Kripalu and am ever so gingerly opening doors and peeking in. I can feel the owl now saying “yes, yes.” Being persuaded by entities unseen I feel like a baby bird being pushed to believe in jumping and urged to believe in myself. I rationalize with the pusher and question, and question some more, yet I know I’m backing up on a plank where I’m meant to soar soon. I have noticed, rather obviously, an enormous increase in intuition and an automatic download of people’s stories, pains and avenues to heal sometimes within only minutes of an initial conversation. I used to think that being a social worker was the fancy title that somehow dubbed me the insight to support people. To my surprise, at Kripalu, such insight has continued and increased even though I have stepped out of the dubbed role. I’m wearing this cloak of claircognizance and I’m not sure it fits me and if it’s meant for me. Did God take my size? I’d like to know what the fine print says, to read the label and determine what is possible with this cloak. It’s like I can’t just step out and proclaim it because I’m afraid I don’t match the potential power. While stating this I recognize the absurdity of already boxing myself in. But what if I’m not ready to fully embrace this cloak? I’d prefer to stay on the branch a little bit longer and feel around, measure the fall to the ground and watch others fly. The good news is that I consider myself progressing evidenced by making this week’s blog all about this particular spiritual evolution. Somehow public exposure seems dangerously risky to me. I can see me now, warning other birds and animals before I take the leap to fly (imagine me yelling down with a megaphone from a tree). “I’m going to jump any day now.” “Feel free to support me; that would be nice.” “Feel free to not support me; that would be nice too.” “Either way, I know I’m meant to jump and I believe that confidence and skill will appear during flight.” Simultaneously I realize no one really cares either way and all the animals are going about their business all the same. I was the hesitant, scrutinizing, judgmental and apprehensive one all along.

I'm dipping into a spiritual pool and discovering I know how to swim.

What pool you ask? I've done "energy drawings" (my own made-up name) for people that incorporate both their energetic blocks and solutions to heal them. The colors depicted are symbolic as well as the size, intensity and overlapping of colors. (I’ve included a sample in this week’s pictures of what my energy looks like). The process involves meditating on a person when they’re not around and asking their ascended masters, guides and angels to come in to join me. I then begin channeling information through artistically drawing their energy. After, I also do an automatic writing piece of what can support them on the back of the drawing which I greatly believe to come through me and not from me. I have found that art is a closer representation of what I’m intuitive feeling. Language is a big jump from the subtle divine stream of knowing that I receive and some things get lost in translation. Yet going from feeling, to knowing, to drawing allows an avenue for an abstract and close representation of psychic impressions. After seeing it, language then comes a bit easier. It’s hard to describe. There are other mediums I’ve practiced with as well including faery and angel cards. They somehow unlock a piece of my brain that breaks the bridge and the water flows with ease… flushing, pure, rapid insight arrives like little petals being dropped from heaven into my crown chakra. The community at Kripalu is so awake, alive, conscious and supportive that they have allowed me the space to grow in this area. Fellow volunteers have being cheering me on to finally take that jump. I have several grand and divine friends who have offered themselves to me to practice. I have been engaging in this for the past two months but was too insecure to talk about it until now. With great success in practice, I build confidence.

What I know to be true…

We all have intuition in varying degrees that stems from the divine light in God.
We don’t hear or nurture it because of the chatter of the mind.
Meditation is the way to secure peace and practice listening to divine guidance.
Society’s judgment of what is acceptable, mainstream and plausible warps the brain and hinders this intuition from growing.
The human mind’s desire to see everything in order to believe it contributes to society’s perceptions.
Your higher self knows exactly what’s best for you but it calls to you subtly. Do you hear what it is saying to you right now about your life?
The painful and challenging life experiences we have are precious divine gifts just waiting to be opened. Are you learning or are you perpetuating the learning?
Judgment of self has a profound impact on ability to succeed.
Our past lives show up in our current lives. If you need to break free, do what you are most afraid to do.
All is a mirror of you.

I feel dangerous and somewhat controversial in this blog. I see it as my attempt to immerse myself in the process of self-acceptance in preparation for flight. It’s time to set some intentions and begin manifesting. I hope you are inclined to join me in releasing hindering beliefs you may hold about the life you live as well. Will you stand with me on the branch? What holds you back? What are you insecure about? What is possible for you? What would it take for you to make all things possible? Do you possess the courage to do those things? Right about now a strong feeling that all can be overcome, healed and accomplished is consuming me. My life has been so enriched by being at Kripalu that it’s difficult to hold the gratitude and sense of aliveness I feel within my physical body. I stand at the edge of the branch atop the tallest Hemlock and look down with excitement as I spread my wings and smile to the sun. I have faith. I’ll wear the over sized cloak until it fits comfortably. I release any and all perceptions born onto me from others about what is weird, appropriate or real. I no longer live in a box. I whistle and skip to my own tune. I see the biggest picture I can from my higher self and watch the world occur from that height. I know that one light can illuminate the darkest room and that we are all a light just waiting to be turned on. I shine. I choose the happiest, most fulfilling life available to me and I label it as deserving. Irrespective of any and all, my truth is the truth for me and that gives me wings big enough to hold the universe.

May peace, self-acceptance and the courage to heal eternally emanate from my heart to yours,
Jai Bhagwan,
Candice

The world seen through my camera

Dear Beings of Light,

I’ll let the pictures do more talking than the words, a mini caption will give you all that you need. Pictures are posted from the bottom up. Feel free to check out the links I sprinkled in.

1) A bike ride through Tanglewood anyone? My head knows a bike helmet well. http://www.bso.org/bso/index.jsp?id=bcat5240070

2) I was arbitrarily given “The New Jersey Devil;” all the bikes have great names though. Anything feisty has good energy attached.

3) At Jacob’s Pillow posing in a true dorky Candice way. I was blown away at the beauty of this place. http://www.jacobspillow.org/

4) Some volunteer friends and I eating our Kripalu dinner to-go on a blanket picnic-style in front of the stage at Jacob’s Pillow. The stage is on the side of the mountain in the middle of the forest where birds chirp and the sun sets on the dancers.

5) No pictures allowed during performances…luckily I am stealth!

6) No one is allowed on the stage either….luckily I am sneaky!

7) Volunteer fire hoopers rocking it out at the ‘Holistic Hoopers’ performance. They took the weekend program… I was envious.

8) Professional fire hula hooper with a flaming whip….yikes! I admit I was a little scared of him. He had a horn headdress on too which contributed to my fear.

9) A visit to The Clark art museum made me feel cultured. I appreciated paintings and tilted my head in various ways to examine different angles of the ‘Picasso looks at Degas’ exhibit. The gallery security looks a lot like the secret service which prevented me from securing a picture of paintings from the exhibit. I was able to get other photos though. http://www.clarkart.edu/exhibitions/picasso-degas/content/exhibition.cfm

10) A nod to “Bob’s Country Kitchen,” still wishing I tried the pie, or spaghetti.

11) Me "journey dancing" like the free spirit I am. I practiced teaching during the training and facilitated a shamanic dance where we shook out our stagnated dreams and built a big house with them. I like wearing a headset microphone, I felt like a fancier more creative Richard Simmons.

12) Everyone "journey dancing" like the free spirits we are. We literally danced all day everyday for 6 days from 9am-9pm with sprinklings of breaks for meals and rest; seriously a workout physically, emotionally and spiritually.

13) I graduated! I received a bindi glittery OM sticker and certificate. I am now a licensed JourneyDance teacher! Wooo-hoooo! www.journeydance.com

14) We had a fire releasing ceremony to burn up negative and self-limited thoughts in the JourneyDance training (we literally burned scraps of paper that had those statements on them) and I felt so powerful that I thought this pose (made up by me and in no way related to yoga) represented how I felt that night… magnetically, energetically unstoppable! What out universe!

15) A dear friend/fellow volunteer and I at the graduation for JourneyDance. People at Kripalu feel the love and share it openly, I gladly reciprocate. There is a beautiful community here and I feel connected to humanity through each person.

Jai Jai
Have a blessed week!

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words...

Dear children of the universe,

Ironic that I say a picture is worth a thousand words and I don't have any posted this week. I actually took amazing photos and went to adventurous places but the internet in my dorm moves at a snail's pace so it takes 15 minutes for each picture to upload. Essentially you will have no pictures until next week (cue droopy music). Osho says that the most profound things in life cannot be explained with words because they are beyond language. I’ll borrow that quote for this week to rationalize my way out of a long blog and molasses downloading. The only request I have is for you to imagine the images since I don't have actual ones. I'm also quite tired, I just started the journey dance teacher training on Sunday night and I'm dancing, hopping, twirling, gliding, sweating, chakra cleansing, shamanic shaking and everything in between for 10 hours a day for the next 6 days; but more on that next week. So humor me and imagine what these below places and experiences would look like. Then next week when I can breathe and get to a place of swifter internet access, you can compare your impressions with the actual photos.

This week I ventured off property and into the exciting world of the Berskires. I was asked to go on a bike ride for my work because one of the regular guides cancelled so I rode behind the pack cheering on a woman who wanted to quit and felt a mini-training session kicking in for the SMART Ride 7. We rode our bikes into Tanglewood (a wonderful vast property and the outdoor summer home of the Boston symphony orchestra). The stages are wooden and open up to the lawn like an open heart. People bring picnic baskets and relax on the lawn for the performances. I also went to Jacob's Pillow, an outdoor magnificent stage in the forest that hosts international dancers and free public viewings. I went with 10 other volunteers and we laid on blankets in front of the stage to get a great view. After, we pretended to be dancers and found odd things to stand on to do yoga poses. Before the yoga dance training started on Sunday night, I spent the day out and drove 45 minutes to Williamstown by myself to "The Clark" museum to experience the "Picasso Looks At Degas" exhibit, quite an engaging and witty collection of art....I loved it. On the way back I asked for spiritual guidance on a lunch spot and I immediately spotted "Bob's Country Kitchen" on the side of the road and across the street from a house with a working well. Too good to be true and only in the Berkshires I thought, so of course I stopped in for a veggie burger and tomato rice soup. Bob greeted me on my way in and out. I wish I saved room for the peanut butter chocolate cream pie. (Sorry folks, I didn't get a picture of that but I'm sure you can taste it anyway). In Kripalu news, I sat on the lawn on Saturday night to observe the "Holistic Hoopers," a California crew who were here teaching a program for the weekend on hula-hooping. They set their hoops on fire and gave us a great show. I should have taken that program (kicking myself)... somehow I feel like I was made to dance with a hula hoop on fire....someday folks, someday. Odd news: I spent a day this past week in complete silence. They call it "In Loving Silence" at Kripalu and you can get a badge that says that phrase from the front desk if you want to practice a day of meditation. I love how only at Kripalu everyone knows what it means and takes great care to support you in that place by seeing you and acknowledging you, but not expecting that you speak. However, if I wore it to Publix in Florida people wouldn't even notice. It was a cool experience to spend over 12 hours without talking, you should try it sometime. I don't know where you would go to be supported in that but it would be an interesting social experiment to see if people notice.

I will send my aching muscles to bed now, another day of dancing tomorrow, can't way to say more about that next week...pictures promised.

In light and love,

I don't like scrambled eggs...

The weight of a visit from Rob has created a heavy mood of missing home. It’s like I’ve been tossed in the ocean and told I have to swim to the shore again. I know I can do it and I’ve done it before but I don’t really want to. This time I will doggie-paddle in hopes that it’s less painful; a vigorous swim isn’t in the game plan. With Rob comes the energy of home. With the exit of Rob goes the energy of home back to its far away place without me. While I experience a steady stream of missing home, I suppose going two months without feeling the sharp ache in my heart isn’t so bad. I still don’t want the feeling though. The arriving and the leaving was yet another band aid being ripped off slowly similar to when I dropped my dog-children at camp the day I drove out of Fort Lauderdale for the Berkshires. I've said goodbye to compartmentalizing my sock drawer – Kripalu on the left, home on the right, all neatly stacked and color coordinated. The two worlds have collided like scrambled eggs with emotions sprinkled in from a careless cook with a heavy hand for pepper. To be honest, I’ve never liked scrambled eggs anyway. I like organized, intentional, neat, pseudo eggs with clearly defined edges. It’s too bad life experiences/lessons aren’t neat eggs.

Besides the eggs, the rest of the food on the plate tasted great. The weekend was fantastic. I enjoyed and soaked up home energy as much as I could. Rob and I enjoyed long dinners off site, did yoga together on site and contemplated past life lessons in the workshop we took together. We walked down to the creek, the lake, and up Housatonic Street in Lenox window shopping. The perfect patch of grass in the forest for a camel pose was successfully discovered and a sense of time was lost. In spiritual news: To no avail I attempted to rationalize a way someone could expedite karma. Rob learned that he sky-dived in a past life. I learned I do have a soul purpose of healing and that indeed I was once a Cheyenne chief. Out of a possible 10 in soul ages, Rob is a 10 and I am a 9, it’s a bummer I’m not retiring yet. Are they sure I can’t pack karma on a fast train? In culinary news: We ate great pizza and ice cream (twice each in 5 days), learned that dill biscuits are made with magic, and savored silky iced coffee during a late brunch. The connection and reconnection was paramount for us. I got to wear my blue dress with pockets out to a fancy dinner, took pictures of owl sightings and posed with a statue. It’s nice to sniff, hug and hold hands with the one you love. In retrospect, even though the visit scrambled my eggs and sock drawer, it was worth it. I continue to feel the value of experiences like a brick on my chest and I just let out the tears when they want to visit me too. I find it’s much better to do so rather than allowing them to hibernate in me. I feel the worth, intensity and power of my relationship running in my veins…and simultaneously the gratitude meter rises again. Did I mention I’m past the halfway point here?

I miss…. my heavy white down comforter, my walk-in closet, a bathtub, a view of the ocean, palm trees, seeing clients, a kiss in the morning, the sand in my toes, cooking, Jetson’s butt, Zephy’s begging, Teavana, air-conditioning, high-heels, bad late night TV, board games, familiar faces and Publix.

Good news is instead of wallowing over the above I employed my newly formed good habits. I spent the afternoon journaling, channeling, meditating and doing yoga to center myself. I actually spent 3 hours just meditating in yoga postures. I laid on the grass in the sun and looked over the mountains and lake, it’s still as beautiful as ever. The only difference I noticed this week looking at the same view is that I also remember that home is just as beautiful. So now I’m sifting through my sock drawer attempting to reorganize my compartments so I can truly allow myself to finish the work I’ve started here, and I will. I'm going on record that no midnight escapes while dressed in black have been planned. I’m swimming a little faster now, can’t you tell?

It’s a good thing….I know how to center myself, yoga dance releases pent-up energy, I have a great husband, I can communicate openly and honestly, intuition is still on the rise, vulnerability is easy for me, that I feel love from other planes, meditation is a regular occurrence, and that strawberry licorice solves most problems in life.

The journey continues folks, I am along for the full ride.

Om Shanti,
Jai,