So this week will go down in my mini-Kripalu history as the week devoted to transformation and change. This week was big! I hope I can articulate it well enough to depict the experience I had; I shall not “try” but rather “I will.” (nod to Steve and Jon). Forgive my delayed blog entry this week as it’s due to the enormity of my experience and finding the right time, the right cup of tea and the right stillness to share it. “Om Nama Shivaya” is a Sanskrit mantra affirming the building up and evolution of the spiritual self. A very rough, non-literal translation could be something like, 'Om and salutations to that which I am capable of becoming.' This quote certainly lends itself to my discovery the past few days; it’s amazing. Please enjoy the pictures attached of some artwork I did as a result of meditations this week. I also went down to the lake to read which was breathtaking. I also found a Target here, I loved driving into town and discovering the gems hidden. In Target I smiled from ear to ear and took a deep breath; so SO exciting to be there. It reminds me of home so much.
So I began this week with continuing my love affair with the dishes and added some mantras to new tasks. I was approached by the volunteer program manager wanting a check-in appointment with me. A few days later I skipped to her office on an otherwise eventless day expecting a short conversation (most days at Kripalu are eventless in terms of stress of any kind), but to my surprise I was met with a proposal. What kind of proposal do you ask? She presented me with an opportunity to switch jobs here; going from the dish crew/team to a job of one working in the retreat and renewal department. This job entails posting, organizing and planning the mini-workshops the guests take. These are the classes I’ve mentioned before that I go to during the day before I work like Ayurveda, Yoga and Nutrition, etc. They have about 4 to 5 a day at various times run by different faculty here and are a one-time workshop which lasts about an hour. The program manager said she thought of me because she remembered why I wanted to come to Kripalu and thought it would be a good match. She mentioned that I would work in conjunction with the entire faculty offering the workshops including attending them as a part of my job to evaluate the experience. For some, this would be great. For me before I came here, this would be beyond my expectations on the awesome scale. But for me now, this was turning my world upside down. My first response to her was “but the dishes are divine.” A strange response to hear I imagine. I had until the end of the day to give her an answer and then she was going to ask someone else. I went straight to somewhere in the building where the view was amazing and sat quietly for a few minutes and meditated on how best to make this decision. I decided to disengage my mind because it only added to the challenge. I managed to recite a few affirmations on allowing my higher self and my heart center to come together and make it clear to me by the end the day what I was supposed to do, ‘give me a sign.’ I am truly here to flourish and I want what my spirit needs for itself to grow irrespective of what I like, or what I think, in the moment. Does that make sense? Essentially, I didn’t want to take any easy road out and I had already gotten so much from the dishes I figured I had only scratched the service of what I could get….. Anyway, I had been dealing with an especially tough cold this week as well (which I consider a detox and healthy) but nonetheless it sucked a little energy out of me each day. I went to work in the dish room and began my mantras that night. I found myself extremely tired and lethargic. Cauliflower, cottage cheese and random matchstick carrots ended up in my hair and face that night due to spraying water like a crazy woman into oversized pots and pans. I even got myself directly in the eye with the water too. Nonetheless, I thought, this is not a sign. I’m sick and I’m a little careless and I’m looking for something that isn’t there. At the close of the night and as we were cleaning, mopping etc. my body felt incredibly tired and especially wore down but I explained that away too. In the last 10 minutes of the shift I was replacing a heavy, huge, dense, metal drain into Mahadishi (the dish machine) and I inadvertently whacked myself in that sweet spot portion of my nose so hard my eyes started to water immediately. The next thing I knew I was in the office with my head facing down with a serious 10 minute nose bleed. My friends, my dearest friends, be careful what you ask for I say. Especially if you are asking for something in a place like Kripalu, the magical and majestic spiritual home for so many. It’s like what you ask for here comes to you quicker and with more intensity. I always tell people that if you don’t listen to what the universe is trying to tell you, eventually a spiritual brick will come out of the sky and hit you on the head. It my case it was a metal drain and it manifested within a day of asking. I assured the universe that I, in fact, had received the message and no further injuries were necessary. Lord knows I could’ve been heading towards a broken bone if I looked the other way on this one. My dish crew mates couldn’t figure out why I was laughing and shaking my head while holding the rag over my face. Later that night I got a migraine, had to skip dinner and have someone drive me up the scary dark hill to my room because I was so dizzy. In my bed I held ice on my face until I fell asleep and thought, ‘this was a good spiritual learning day for me.’ The good news in this is that I’d trade mental clarity for physical pain any day of the week and even though my body was in pain, my mind was serene. It seems that it’s time for me to explore a new area here and discover the beauties and challenges in that. I gave my decision to the program manager to switch jobs the next morning and felt completely at ease with that. I begin my new job June 1 so I was happy to learn I had 2 more weeks to soak up all the divinity there was left to be had in the dishes. I also offered to work in the dish room 1x a month on busy weekends to help out; which they were happy to grant. My new supervisor is a wonderful, flexible, supportive man and I’ve had a few conversations with him this week. He is willing to support me in taking 5 programs over the next 3 months (2 of which are a week long) which is amazing by the way. He is also okay with me doing yoga dance everyday during my lunch break and taking a little extra to eat my meals. My schedule will be 5 days a week at about 35 hours. In reflection, I have no problems in trusting the universe and the guidance it offers as long as I know the general direction it wants me to go in. Even if I have fear about why I should go in that direction, I will go if I know in my heart it’s where I should. I think we are often far too busy in our minds to catch any subtle signals being gently handed to us. Furthermore, if we notice the sign, many of us lack the courage to acknowledge a change is needed. Fear is a scary, immobilizing thing. Evolution is occurring here and I feel so grateful for not letting it pass me by; it’s amazing. One of the yoga teachers said something that stuck in my head this week. She said that sometimes our minds kidnap us right out of our bodies and we miss life because we just go through the motions. I walk now looking at every bird, flower and tree that I can. I found a crow’s feather on the ground the other day because I was consciously walking. I am blessed to be learning that I can trust. This trust is what got me here so I’m going to continue following the signals and supportive road maps that are coming into my awareness. I shake my head and think “it’s amazing,” that’s a song by the way. One Eskimo sings it and it really embodies transformation which is something we can all relate to; look up the lyrics if you like. Om Namah Shiyava folks.
p.s. "It’s Amazing" by One Eskimo is on youtube too
p.p.s. I’m going to an open mic night tonight among the volunteers, they better hope I don’t want to sing.
Jai Bhagwan Candice,
ReplyDeleteThe Ladies of Divinity have recognized they have been on a Spiritual Journey of growth and healing by their commitment to self at Broward House. We have decided that this commitment will continue throughout our lives, and we will purposely give time and energy to creating a daily "retreat" in our everyday. The name of this "retreat" is the Penelope Project. We have learned that Penelope has two meanings: "Loyal, Capable, Clever Woman" and the Weaver. We embrace both of these definitions. In our first couple of experiences, we have explored what brings us peace and what refuels us. We have each committed to a time each day that we purposely take time for our growth.
There is only one rule in Penelope's Project....if we miss a day of this focus, there are no negative repercussions. We simply say "that was a day of rest" and we continue on our journey. We also have committed to reminding each other of this journey by simply saying "Penelope" when we see each other!
We are excited to follow the knowledge and growth you are weaving into your life fabric and sharing with you ours!
Love and gratitude for opening our eyes to what is in front of us
Candice,
ReplyDeleteGorgeous artwork and wonderful words of inspiration (esp, "...sometimes our minds kidnap us right out of our bodies..." and "...even if I fear...").
Also, I saw One Eskimo live (they opened for Tori Amos last year in Miami and they're fabulous; will have to check out that song).
Anyway, I'm doing well. Delving into the Gnostic Gospels (esp Gospel of Thomas) and am exploring other facets of myself I have tapped into in quite some time or at all.
What else...I shaved my head and I have this sort of half-beard thingy going on (though shave it with a buzzer just when it's about to start doing its own thing).
Overall, doing good, working on Step 2 and really embracing what it means to have faith in a Higher Power.
Sending you much good energy, love and peace.
Om Namah Shiyava
MAB
Felt like sharing something a bit "deeper" with you.
ReplyDeleteFrom my journal:
May 27, 2010 12:07am
It’s a full moon out tonight and I’ve just gotten home from a draining day of groups, gossip and busyness. This is my 102nd day in Broward House and I feel half-lost, half-found.
Thinking back on the 2 years I spent living with my mother coupled with the 3 ½ months I’ve spent in this program, I can say with all certainty that I’ve faced most of my anger, guilt, pain and fear and have worked through at least half of it all (some of what I haven’t dealt with is still bunched up in the corners and crevices of my mind and heart, dark and frantic as bats). The process has taken its toll on me, however, and I’m still left wondering, as I write this, what my niche in life will be.
Drugs, alcohol, weed and most recently cigarettes have begun to seem like so many faded talismans that have long outlived their purpose. Fantasies of meeting that special someone also strike me as mundane and beside the point. Sex, in and of itself, seems rather primitive and with all of that said, I find that I am digging deeper into myself, struggling to find that inner spark that ignites the soul.
After reuniting with my old sponsor – a 24 year old with his life half in order – and beginning my work on the 12 steps, something shifted inside of me. I’ve felt it coming for quite some time, but my yearning for something deeper, more spiritual, more in line with the bigger things in life suddenly rose to an ache.
There are some nights when guilt and fear plague me like ravenous little vampires working to sap me of my faith, energy and optimism and those are the nights I catch myself grasping for the divine in all things. From the acidic pit of my stomach to the farthest reaching star glimmering like a discarded diamond against the blue velvet night sky, I pray and know that there is a God; a God that is much more than any male or female can embody fully, but, in the same breath, a God whom we each contain a spark of and who also contains each and every one of us.
In the “Gnostic” Gospel of Thomas, Jesus says, “Let one who seeks not stop seeking until one finds. When one finds, one will be disturbed. When one is disturbed, one will be amazed, and will reign over all.” This is what I’m striving for.
He also says, “If people say to you, ‘Behold, the kingdom is in the sky,’ then the birds in the sky will get there before you. If they say to you, ‘It is in the sea,’ then the fish will get there before you. Rather, the kingdom is inside of you and outside of you. When you know yourselves, then you will be known, and will understand that you are children of the living God. But if you do not know yourselves, then you live in poverty, and embody poverty.”
How wondrous, these words! They speak to the heart and empower me more than any other words I’ve come across in quite some time. It is no wonder that the establishment, in all of its myriad forms, has denied these teachings, labeling them unofficial and, at times, heretical. They completely call upon you to recognize and “save” yourself.
Anyway, I’m going off on a tangent, as I’m known to do. The point is, I’m looking at myself – my body, my heart, my mind, my experience, my spirit – the way one would a precious jewel or stone, twisting and turning it in the half-light of self-discovery, catching the many facets of its surface, both smooth and edged, taking in the color and light and possibility it reflects back to the eyes.
Thank you Candice for your beautiful words. I am truly touched by your experiences and attitude. I feel grateful to be able to read your blog - you are a great writer on top of all your other talents. Love Irene
ReplyDelete